Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
