i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
