You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
