This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
