either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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