Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Randomize
