I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
