Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
