Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Randomize
