Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
