How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
