At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
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I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
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You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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