there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
