Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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