Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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