im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Randomize
