Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
