I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
