she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
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