i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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