i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
