I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
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