what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
