I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
