Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
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