By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
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