i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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