I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
