I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
