I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
