I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
