Apparently you make a good broom.
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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
