Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Well I just put wine in my tea
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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