no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
