I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
