just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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