she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
This boy just came into class wearing sperrys and a polo but also carrying a longboard. I'm unequivocably attracted to his level of doucheyness.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
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