Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
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