she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
