A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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