Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
