I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
