"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
