She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Randomize
