Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
Randomize
