she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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