O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
