She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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