Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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