Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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