also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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