but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
