She tied me up with her honor cords...
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
