Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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